Grief and Loss
The five stages of grief were first identified by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Grief isn’t a linear process. It isn’t as if we experience stage one, followed by stage two, etc. When we’re struck by grief, we’re all over the map, consumed by one major feeling and cycling through different aspects, moment by moment. Grief upsets our equilibrium and brings us to our knees. Our resistance and internalized judgments cause havoc with us, and we are faced with learning to surrender to the process of grief. One way to look at grief is that it reflects back the depth of our love.
Denial helps us to survive the impact of the loss. The world becomes meaningless and overwhelming, such that life makes no sense. We’re in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. Denial is actually akin to a pressure valve, as it helps us deal with feelings only to the extent we can handle in the moment.
Anger can feel overwhelming and scary in the grieving process. It’s important to be willing to feel the fullness of our anger. We will feel anger about our helplessness, and it can seem endless. We could feel anger at the person who died, at our loss of ability to make amends or resolve issues. We could be angry with God. However, anger can propel us into action. Many other emotions beneath the anger need to be acknowledged and dealt with over time.
Bargaining can be present before a loss, when it might seem like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again, if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others? Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life to return to what it was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumour sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening… if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion.
Depression often comes onto the scene after bargaining, as our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, are left in a fog of intense sadness, even wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “alright” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone, and recognizing that this new reality is a permanent one. We may never come to like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. Now, we must try to live in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, however, through gradual acceptance, we see that we cannot.
For support in the grieving process, contact Campbell River Hospice at 250-286-1121.
Reprinted from Quadra’s Way To Go Guide.